Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
