You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
