why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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