I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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