I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
