Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
