Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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