This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
