You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
