I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
