Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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