she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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