Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
