So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at about main and main street
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
