I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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