I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
