pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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