So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
