mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
