There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
