just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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