Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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