I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
