Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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