Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
