I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
