he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
