just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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