Where did you get a picture of my penis
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
