Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
