I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
