Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
