i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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