She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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