Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
