just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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