batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think my moral compass just broke
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
