I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
