Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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