Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
