I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
3 2 1 whiskey
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
