fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
