I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
