I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
