i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
