Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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