Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
