Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
