I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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