I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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