go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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