Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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